Meghan Markle Admits To Suicidal Thoughts While In Royal Family: ‘I Didn’t Want To Be Alive’

Meghan Markle got emotional while discussing just how badly her mental health was affected during her time in the royal family -- and how the 'institution' wouldn't allow her to get help for it.

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Meghan Markle admitted to having suicidal thoughts while pregnant with Archie in 2019. “I was really ashamed to say it at the time and ashamed to have to admit it to [Prince] Harry, especially, because I know how much loss he’s suffered” Meghan told Oprah Winfrey. “But I knew that if I didn’t say it, that I would do it. I just didn’t want to be alive anymore. And that was very clear and real and frightening. That was a real and constant thought.”

Meghan claimed that she went to the higher-ups in the royal ‘Institution’ and asked to get help, but was told that she “couldn’t” because it “wouldn’t be good” for the Institution. “I went to human resources and I said I really need help,” Meghan recalled. “I remember this conversation like it was yesterday. They said, ‘My heart goes out to you, because I see how bad it is, but there’s nothing we can do to protect you because you’re not a paid employee of the Institution.’ This wasn’t a choice. [I] e-mailed, begging for help, saying very specifically, ‘I am concerned for my mental welfare.’ And people going, ‘It’s terrible, we see it,’ but nothing was ever done. So [Harry and I] had to find a solution.”

When Oprah asked Meghan to clarify whether she was having “suicidal thoughts” during this time, she confirmed, “Yes,” and said she thought that killing herself would “make it easier for everybody.” She added, “It was very clear and scary. I didn’t even know who to turn to in that. One of the people who I reached out to, who’s continued to be a friend and confidant, was one of my husband’s mom’s best friends — one of [Princess] Diana’s best friends. Who else could understand what it’s like to be inside?”

Meghan got emotional and wiped away tears while having this difficult conversation. She explained that she told Harry what she was feeling on the same day that they attended an event at Royal Albert Hall in 2019. “A friend said, ‘I know you don’t look at pictures, but you guys look so great’, and she sent it to me, and I zoomed in and saw the truth of that moment,” Meghan explained. “[I told Harry earlier], these are the thoughts I’m having in the middle of the night that are very clear. And I’m scared because this is very real and this isn’t some some abstract idea. This is methodical and this is not who I am. But we had to go to this event and I remember him saying… I don’t think you can go, and I said…I can’t be left alone. When you zoom in, you see the whites of our knuckles. We’re smiling and we’re doing our job, but we’re both just trying to hold on.” Eventually, Meghan and Harry felt that they had no choice but to step back as senior members of the royal family. They moved to the United States and started a life away from the confines of the royal family. Now, they’re living in Santa Barbara and expecting their second child together.